krisis menjelang umur 20

if there's anything named life crisis, which i don't even know what that is, but i'm kinda guessing that it's a crisis when you're at the time of living your life.

mungkin penjelasan saya sangat tidak intelek. mungkin sebenarnya life crisis hanyalah kata-kata yang saya buat sembarangan.

okay, now let's get going. ini adalah hari ke-2 saya didalam kamar, memutuskan tidak kemana-mana (atau secara kebetulan tidak ada yang mengajak saya pergi dan saya pun tidak mood pergi sendirian atau nge-bbm siapa pun supaya bisa pergi sama saya--blah!) nonton televisi sampai hampir bego (karena saya nonton starworld bukan NatGeo), membaca dua buku, mengalami migrain dahsyat, menulis di blog, minum beberapa gelas kopi dan sebotol diet coke, beberapa bungkus rokok, dan sebagainya.

rasanya saya tau seharusnya saya bermain bersama teman-teman. teman yang mana?
well yeah, i do have a lot, oh yeah no only couple of them, tapi sayya merasa semakin kesini saya semakin membatasi diri saya dan permmainan saya. bukannya ingin melewati waktu-waktu sendiri merasa diri ekslusif karena saya memberi makan diri saya sendiri hal yang bagus, tapi lebih kepada hilangnya hasrat untuk berupaya mendekatkan diri pada orang lain.

you know, sometimes i dont need certain people and their shits.

sometimes the only one we know is ourselves. we just dont know how to get compromised with these people who try to telling us what to do.

it feels like being in a very fragile boat. we know where the pier is, but we do realize that there re so many ways to get there. it depends on us, which one we pick? which one is the most suitable for us.

when i come to that point, it really terrifies me. I've picking so many ways, i dont know which one is suit me, which one is comfortable for me, which one is actually that i want. i know nothing, but i know that i'm following my feelings.

i don't want to stop thinking, you know. but i do let myself drawn in silent with mouth opens and an empty brain, blur and no vision. i like it that way, too.

the other day i found myself very anxious about my future and start to get panic about my college, about all the materials and these exams i gotta face.

i just dont know, am about to be 20. i gotta be someone bold, i gotta be special on my own way, i gotta start to feed myself more books-good music-equal friends, i can not (or may not) let my self to become super cheesy and stuff that mainstream does. i just dont like it. i gotta declare my self of who i am, what i'm going to do in the next couple years after i finish college, what job should i take. more importantly what does people think and do when they're 20. for christ's sake, it might be just a number, age. but to me it's more than just that. it's about the ideology that would change, it's about the way i perceive things when i get older.

no one is actually telling me what to do. those who have been in the situation like this years before me. let me guess, the answer maybe, do whatever you like.

thank you.

am officially in a crisis. in a life. with crisis.

Fantasi, kamu bikin saya krazi.

Saya menginginkan kamu bagaikan anjing menginginkan daging segar. Saya menatap matamu bagaiakan serigala melihat bulan. Yang ada dikepala saya kamu datang menhampiri saya, tidur disebelah saya. Awalnya kita sibuk nonton film bersama, awalnya kita hanya bercanda dan bercengkrama. Saya merasakan tangan kamu memegang tangan saya. Saya tersenyum simpul, tanda mengiyakan dan memperbolehkan serta menginginkan kamu melanjutkan. Jemari mu bermain, menyusuri setiap helai bulu halus nan lembut ditangan saya. Saya tetap tersenyum. Kamu mendekat, saya menoleh. Kamu dan saya saling menatap.

Bak serigala yang kelaparan, kamu dan saya saling melahap. Belajar bagaimana rasanya saling bertukar ludah. Daya upaya bergerak sesuai alunan dan hasrat yang menjadi pedoman.

Dikepala saya.

Dihadapan saya, kamu diam dingin menonton televisi sambil minum kopi. Kamu nyalakan rokok, sambil berkata "Ngapain sih ngeliatin saya sampai segitunya?".

Saya ke kamar mandi mencuci muka. Hampir saja saya harus mandi wajib.

Fantasi, kamu bikin saya krazi.

Ceritanya

Ceritanya kamu adalah seorang laki-laki. Saya perempuan.

Ceritanya saya sudah punya monyet. Kamu memilih untuk tidak memelihara apapun.

Ceritanya kita sering sekali bertemu. Untuk berbagai alasan yang kadang-kadang masuk akal tapi kadang-kadang hanya dibuat-buat.

Ceritanya kamu tidak sadar kalo ajakan keluar saya hanya dibuat-buat. Saya pun tidak akan bilang yang sebenarnya. Begitu juga sebaliknya.

Ceritanya suatu saat saya bilang kalau saya suka kamu.

Ceritanya kamu kaget. Tapi saya tau kamu sudah tau. Kamu dan saya sama-sama tau.

Ceritanya cerita ini menggantung. Saya bingung. Kamu pasti lebih bingung.

Ceritanya saya mulai bisa memendam rasa. Soalnya saya pintar acting. Calon artis masa depan.

Tapi,

Ceritanya saya tetap masih suka kamu. Saya masih. Suka. Kamu.

//randomthoughts

It is because we want it so bad, that’s why we don’t have it. Simply created to be only our imagination and fantasy. Wild and crazy.

Contradictions

This evening i spent another trashy times with my mate again until we drawn into the disscussion of philosophy and those implications of personalities.

i found out that there are so many contradictions going on in my life and my head. We just can’t deny that what we read in books and what’s going on in our life were basically different. We can name scientists or philosophers or scholars to define our feelings based on theories—Plato maybe would say the so called ideal. But we mostly define those feelings by our thoughts. How we create explanations based on our own knowledge and experiences.

Let’s take an example to make it easier. I know that conflicts which going on in my life were mostly driven by my own thoughts. The way i’m coping my problems and those assumptions i made were based on, yeah let’s say, experiences and things or people that i used to be with. But I also know and have read books which said that thoughts are the one who complicate the problems, whether it is your own thoughts or others. I should be clear of any influences in order to see the problem as actual fact that i have to face and solve, as what J. Khrisnamurti explained in his book, “Freedom from the Known”.

In this stage, after read the book, it is clear for me that i already have the way out for my conflicts: i have to reduce the apriori and thoughts if i want to solve the core problem. But then , what becomes the result is my head even gets dizzier everytime i have to clear my mind from any thoughts. It leads me to another thought of “i have to be clear from any influence” or “i have to deflate my mind”.

See? How contradictive it is and how silly i am.

So yeah, then we conclude our meeting that evening with saying good bye to each other. Good bye and good night and good luck with our problems!

Me. Pathetic.

When you get so many things wrong in your life, dont you wanna just die?

No, not that die am talking about, but you know, kinda off from this world for a while. No, i guess that’s also a bit too much. Kinda breathe with empty heart empty head empty feeling for a while. Yeah, i know those are hard, if you read my previous writting about Contradictions. Jiddu doesn’t exactly tell us what to do, i guess he’s not a spoon-feed person.

Actually it is just the matter of i have so many doubted feelings about things about people about life. Do you know what they so-called life crisis? Ever heard? No, i guess that’s just not suit me. Because i watched a movie and i quoted “When you thinking about buying Porsche, you are in the early life crisis”. Maybe something more like unstable teenager? or teenage crisis? or identity crisis? or blah yeah you name it. So ashame, but tell me, you also have ever been in the same phase like me, haven’t you?

Back again, i know this is also the matter of thought. Lately, i let my thoughts drive me. I let those hatred, anger, fear, betrayal, happiness, etc drive me. Lead me to such random combination of headache-stomachache-heartache.

Lord, what did i write?! Sorry, this is awful and pathetic. Poor me.

I guess i just don’t need him to be around sometimes. Obsolete things make me sick. Fresh air and fresh people would be even nicer.

“At the end of the day, you’re just in any relationship. How does anybody go to work every day and come home? You just do it and it either works or it doesn’t.”

- Blake Lively