tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31467180422066874442024-03-05T00:52:07.683-08:00I GOT SOMETHING ELSEA BOWL OF EVERYTHINGWhat So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-86207059022310981922012-07-27T22:06:00.001-07:002012-07-27T22:06:28.164-07:00for a week or so i've been through such a sequel of stories. to be honest, i didn't really realize that the impact will be this big to me, myself. i used to be okay because i always believe that i might had been through some worse than only these. but it seems like undeniable that it caused me pain, under confidence, less trust, skeptic sights, pessimistic thoughts.
i've ever through some situation before but it doesn't mean that i can successfully handle these ones again, this time.
Experiences taught you to be used to the situation, the same feeling, the same clouds over head. but i guess, experiences didn't taught the same pattern of solution, different issue needs different way out.
Experiences made me knew the sense when it is about to come and if finally come again. but when it comes, you will have the same surprise and heart ache again. didn't i learn from the previous events? i guess i learnt, but it always come that way, with surprises and heart ache, so hard to be handled.
the world had crumble in front of my eyes once, and here it is, i have it again. i just know that it can crumbles so many times.
my soul had dead sometime ago, but here it is, i have it dead again.
i only have faith, the only thing i believe i should maintain good no matter what. people come and go, moods can be good and bad, but i have faith to certain people that i still can be a Hercules, i still have a good shaped heart for them to either take care or to slice it into pieces. and even if they did so, it still, a finest shaped one. for them. because i have faith on them.
well, stormy days came and pass by, changed with another happy times and might come back again, yet to come.
ps: i need to recover my soul. i might be just lost.What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-83509563793253897412012-06-06T04:52:00.002-07:002012-06-06T04:52:36.649-07:00Note to my self #1Key,
Later on could you please position yourself as the dumbest person ever alive?
Could you please silent and listen?
Because this world will give you tons of things you have never imagine before.
In the mean time, be good. You might have done well.What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-51045923233348198262012-06-06T04:37:00.001-07:002012-06-06T04:37:52.508-07:00Curiousity asksI am curious to know, what will I be in let's say 40 years from now?
Would I be this kind of person who thinks herself know the world most rather than others while realize deeply that through out 20years living as human all I know is my own cave?
Or would I be more aggressive like a wild dog released from its realistic puppy house? So wild that I cannot handle myself saying that I've seen the world as I might be travel to some distance places? So wild as I can say I've known the world for its best and worst for its sweet and bitter?
For me this world and its contains have its own mistery yet not so magical like what Aladdin had. I do believe that mistery might reveal the misery. Although somehow I do believe that miserable doesn't always mean forever and happiness might only come for a second of all.
Through all of that, will I learn that maybe all of this is a joke God's created throughout His reses on the 7th day of creation? Will I learn that I barely know anything, confessing I know nothing but my pathetic self? Or will I learn that magic carpet ride has its own manifestation and transformation that later bring me to some distance places I have always imagine I will go someday? Will I learn that maybe world is a nice place to see but a cruel one to live in?
And it keeps one biggest question of all, will I laugh at the world as hard as I will laugh to myself?What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-28569223829209135872012-06-06T03:43:00.002-07:002012-06-06T03:59:46.902-07:00Try Life!It's good to try activity that I've had forgotten. For ages.
Life's eaten me with stuffs un-daily thus I forgot to live like a normal homo sapiens.
Heartaches didn't teach me how to drive a car, I guess they forgot to teach me to simply swim.
Maybe life's busy dealing with its own drama thus it forgot the beauty of just living.
A normal, like everybody does.
Ps: typical of me, the person who will definitely blame others rather than me myself. Good luck, life's never been easy, as I failed in doing sports. How does jogging feel like?What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-79576256128552292272012-05-10T09:02:00.003-07:002012-05-10T09:04:27.298-07:00Eto have you just near me.
do your things and i do mine.
like what i've been dreaming since ages.
doing this with my lover,
contemplation of heart and mind in different time and place while we're actually together.
having you just near. here.
let alone the fear cause i will be just here.
you give me all i ever wanted for real.What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-64602368500695501622012-01-26T03:52:00.000-08:002012-01-26T05:07:45.722-08:00ACQUIESCENCE20 minutes before you say those words:<br />talked to my self while looking at your eyes,<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">i love you. i am happy with you. i love you, i am happy with you.<br />don't ever leave me. i don't know what should i do if you leave me.<br />please, don't.</span><br /><br />15 minutes before you say those words:<br />(you take a deep sigh)<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">hmm okay, your deep sigh indicates that you're not happy with me.<br />but still please, i still wanna be with you.<br />on this time being, please just lie to me and tell me that you love me. even if it is only a lie, i don't mind.</span><br /><br /><br />12 minutes before you say those words:<br />(another sigh and empty gaze of yours)<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">in the name of Father, son, and holy spirit, amen.<br />Father in heaven, i may be full of doubt, i may not have sincere feeling that you wish i cultivated since that time. Yes, i did see it coming, Father, but i pretended to be blind, i close my eyes and my mind, and i've been wishing that all of this will just go away in any time soon. But i knew, this won't pass, i can not pass, i'm in, and this is the consequences that i have to face.</span><br />(Deep, very deep, sigh--clearing my mind)<br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Father, i am now acquiesce. if she's not happy, then let her be happy without me. i am letting her go. let me be the only one who feel the pain, don't make me a torturer.<br />Holy mother of God, if i ever wished you to make her happy as the way she makes me feel so, this might be your answer. If she's not happy with this, i let her go, sincerely.</span><br />(and i cry)<br /><br />5 minutes before you say those words:<br />i stroke your hair, your cheek.<br />i hold your chest.<br />i wish my name is ever written there and will always be there, in your heart.<br /><br />0 minute:<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">"I am not happy with this"</span><br /><br />15 seconds after you say:<br />there it goes, baby.<br />the one that you've been withheld.<br />the one that you've been covered with smiles.<br /><br />1 minute after you say:<br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Father, did i just say i acquiesce? why do i still feel this world is falling apart?</span><br /><br />hon,<br />i love you. i do. with all my hearts. you shouldn't have a doubt.<br />but maybe it's too late, you might have lost your feelings long time ago.<br />i made mistakes, i am truly sorry.<br />forgive doesn't mean forget, i know.<br />like i told you before, i am walking on my karma, it's fine by me.<br /><span style="font-style:italic;">oh no, Father, i feel the sky is crumbling.<br />devastated. it's devastating.</span><br />hon,<br />you are the one that makes me let my ego, my feeling, my comfortness go with the wind.<br />i walked from my comfort zone, i faced it no matter how much it hurts to hear that you don't know whether you still love me or not, you are not happy with me.<br />i struggled for my ego to love you. i confront my ego to ever let you go.<br />i disguise my feelings, no matter how hard it hurts, i eat all of them, i turn the corner of anger, i let me myself feel the pains, because i don't want you to feel that way i did.<br /><br />well, you have had given me all of yours. i might have been left you in vain that time, i might have hurt you worse. you might have devastated more.<br /><br />so, it's time for me hon. it's okay, it's fine. (but still, i'll cry just to remember who's the one who will hug me in my roughest times?)<br /><br />they say, <span style="font-style:italic;">if you love someone, fight for them</span>. (i have fight, not enough i know, and i really want to fight more if you let me)<br />they say, <span style="font-style:italic;">if you love someone, set them free</span>. ( i set you free now, so you can be happy. don't be with me if it's torturing you, please. i let you go)<br /><br />i love you. i love you.<br />words can't tell, actions can deceive, but heart won't lie. (7:52 pm, Jan 26 2012)What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-27615742133312502652012-01-25T19:01:00.000-08:002012-01-25T19:03:40.652-08:00Much More Than You Knowi am happy,<br />much more than you know.<br /><br />i am in love,<br />much more than you know.<br /><br />i love you,<br />much more than you know.<br /><br />i am hurt,<br />much more than you know.<br /><br />i am happy (once again),<br />much more than you know.What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-23187878638586045802012-01-16T09:01:00.000-08:002012-01-16T09:23:06.260-08:00whatever! I am an omnivoreto describe omnivore, first, according to our holy wikipedia, is omni, meaning "all, everything"; vorare "to devour". in other words of my opinion, as an animal that eat all or everything, and to include human as an animal.<br /><br />it's easy to tell that every time i'm at my lowest ebb, i do write on this blog. so here is the story...<br /><br />i declare my self as an omnivore in accordance with the treaty i have made and ratified to my self.<br /><br />i do not care what you will give me.<br />i do not care what i will eat.<br />a super fine dining one or an ordinary Chinese food.<br />i try to not easily get sad by only silly thing you don't do anymore, like you used to.<br />i try to accept everything.<br />i try to eat this shit.<br />i try to accept that this shit is eating me.<br />i try to be fine if you don't look me in the eyes like those moments i had.<br />i try to be cool when i saw you and you didn't even have a glance at me back.<br /><br />they say i am now walking on a the so called karma.<br />the one that they believe i should accept as my punishment for bad and wrong doings i have ever done.<br /><br />it is real hurt.<br />like i have never been hurt by anyone before.<br /><br />but,<br />i am an omnivore, baby.<br />i eat everything.<br />i eat my happiness.<br />i eat, even, counterfeit happiness.<br />i eat my gloomy days.<br />i eat my sorrow.<br />i eat my grievances.<br />i eat everything.<br />i eat all.<br /><br />whatever (that you give me, i will eat it), E.What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-54377753035955801012011-10-26T07:20:00.000-07:002011-10-26T07:26:02.887-07:00i stop.i have stop questioning<br /><br />because i believe in what i feel.<br /><br />i have no question, only faith.What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-11035005443772122962011-10-21T08:04:00.000-07:002011-10-21T08:26:47.216-07:00you are such an addictionto look into your eyes, to see deep into your soul<br /><br />to say the unspoken, to feel these feelings deep inside<br /><br />by the time, i realize i fall so hard.<br /><br />you are such an addiction.What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-39881813856656162722011-09-06T05:25:00.000-07:002011-09-06T05:28:13.256-07:00mmmshe's that great.<br />she's your equal.<br /><br /><br />mmm.<br />pathetic yet so competitive part. xxxWhat So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-39789180394471032412011-09-05T07:19:00.000-07:002011-09-05T08:08:56.112-07:00Anjing berlalu, Kafilah menggonggongKatanya manusia adalah makhluk Tuhan yang sempurna, dengan akal dan budi yang diberikan. Secara kebetulan, entah mengapa dan bagaimana, manusia juga selalu melihat segala sesuatu dengan kesempurnaan. Kesempurnaan dijadikan patokan. Berbicara bagaikan segala hal harus sesuai dengan pandangan. Bagaikan pandangan adalah kebenaran yang sempurna dan mutlak serta absolut.<br />Padahal isi kepala orang pasti berbeda-beda, definisi dan kriteria akan kesempurnaan kemudian pasti berbeda-beda.<br />Mata melihat, kemudian mulut berbicara seenak dan sesuka hati. Bagaikan mulut yang paling tahu segalanya. Padahal belum tentu mata memproyeksikan semuanya dengan benar.<br />Dikepala mulai melebur dengan pikiran-pikiran lain, pengalaman-pengalaman, hujatan-hujatan. Padahal belum tentu kepala kita benar.<br /><br />Ibaratkan saja ini adalah anjing. Binatang berkaki empat, dua mata, satu hidung dengan dua lubangnya, dua kuping, dan satu mulut yang didalamnya terjejer gigi bertaring.<br />Mata si anjing melihat suatu objek, juga mendengar apabila terdapat pantulan audio, dengan hidungnya ia mengendus-endus mencoba mencari petunjuk. Tidak lama setelah mengenali objeknya, si anjing pun membuka mulutnya, menggonggong dan mengeluarkan taringnya.<br />Padahal objek yang dilihat oleh si anjing mungkin tidak ia kenal, mungkin suara yang ia dengar bukan datang dari objek tersebut, mungkin hidung si anjing mengendus bau dari kulit objek, bukan intinya. Tapi toh, si anjing tetap mengeluarkan taringnya. Si anjing tetap menggonggong.<br /><br />Tapi anjing tidak sempurna.<br />Wajar kalau menggongong.<br />Tapi manusia sempurna.<br />Dan manusia juga menggonggong.<br />Lalu,<br />apakah sang kafilah saat ini ada diposisi yang sama dengan si anjing?<br />Tapi ternyata manusia juga tidak sepenuhnya sempurna.<br />Karena kesempurnaan hanya milik Tuhan semata.<br />Lalu,<br />apakah sang kafilah bertukar posisi dengan si anjing?<br /><br />Ketidaksempurnaan berjalan, Kesempurnaan dalam pandangan.<br />Anjing berlalu, Kafilah menggonggong.<br /><br />Kasian Kafilah. Lain kali, sesekali, mungkin menjadi anjing tak apa.<br /><br />Asu!What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-31007955853586789382011-08-21T23:43:00.000-07:002011-08-21T23:53:14.241-07:00For GrantedThese days are gone. Loud enough to hold on.
<br />I think about the time we wasted. I think about the years to come.
<br />It's getting late and I can't call. It's getting late to face it all.
<br />I think about the time we wasted.
<br />
<br />My loneliness has slowly grown.
<br />I told you not to cross the line, and leave me with your love for granted.
<br />The letters from your broken heart I think I might have lost them somewhere.
<br />
<br />Don't tell me 'bout your lies.
<br />Don't tell me 'bout your secrets.
<br />
<br />My love is easy. You are everything I need.
<br />Now your love is gone. I want it safe and guaranteed.
<br />Life is such a fine line. Looking at the bright line.
<br />I think about the time we wasted. For someday I'll be coming too.
<br />Tonight is dying on it's own, and now I got your love for granted.
<br />It doesn't matter right or wrong as long as you are hiding somewhere.
<br />
<br />Don't tell me 'bout your lies
<br />Don't tell me 'bout your secrets
<br />
<br />Even though we've said it all. I would never let us fall.
<br />With you, hang on to a little chance, you bet I'm in.
<br />If it is for better, disillusions come after.
<br />It's true.
<br />Hang on to a little chance.
<br />You bet I'm in.
<br />
<br />Phoenix - Love For GrantedWhat So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-9485436443439393792011-08-15T07:50:00.000-07:002011-08-15T08:34:05.310-07:00Happy Birthday Dearest EgaHello you there,
<br />
<br />today is your day
<br />i seriously have nothing to give, no present, only presence.
<br />
<br />21 may be just a number.
<br />this is just another page of life, where every page has its own title and subtitle, consist of subjects and objects, where lessons can be learned in every words and sentences.
<br />
<br />it feels so good to spend some times with you, and especially to spend tonight with the 21-aged-you; with your maturity, your thoughts, and your visions.
<br />
<br />you are my sudden friend, a very exciting one.
<br />
<br />
<br />may you have a great day, unforgettable one.
<br />may this Universe shows you the way and signs through your explorations.
<br />may in every seconds and every minutes of your life filled by priceless experiences.
<br />may happiness comes toward you this year and many years ahead.
<br />may your heart always in a state of complete peace with your head.
<br />
<br />may Virgin Mary hear my prayer.
<br />
<br />Love,
<br />
<br />Ruth Ayu
<br />
<br />
<br />What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-15717747215277869682011-07-16T10:01:00.000-07:002011-07-16T10:21:38.706-07:00Sixteeni suppose to care where will this relationship taking us.<br />i suppose to think about our future.<br />it has been going on for three years and two months.<br /><br />but should we know?<br />isn't it a part of God's plan?<br /><br />at the first time i met you, one thing came up in my mind was "i don't know".<br />if we learn at school, our teacher taught us that from what we don't know we should find an answer. but i can't find any answer through out these three years.<br /><br />i love you more than i wanted to.<br /><br />i thought a year would be an end, far more what i expected, i did swim too far, hon.<br /><br />i lost my self in you.<br /><br />life changes us, and those changes life made for me within three years with you are total. i barely can't remember to name a few, but those are great and bad.<br /><br />i don't care whether am a virgin or not, i don't care whether i'm the first you had sex with or there was someone else.<br /><br />it's a life we live, we should just live.<br />it's a love we feel, so we should just love.<br />no questions and worries.<br />we're not angels, are we?<br /><br />i love you since i was 16, love.<br />Happy 16. Many years to come.<br />Many ways to get lost in you.What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-48359116301807171322011-06-26T00:53:00.000-07:002011-06-26T01:37:25.779-07:00krisis menjelang umur 20if there's anything named life crisis, which i don't even know what that is, but i'm kinda guessing that it's a crisis when you're at the time of living your life.<br /><br />mungkin penjelasan saya sangat tidak intelek. mungkin sebenarnya life crisis hanyalah kata-kata yang saya buat sembarangan.<br /><br />okay, now let's get going. ini adalah hari ke-2 saya didalam kamar, memutuskan tidak kemana-mana (atau secara kebetulan tidak ada yang mengajak saya pergi dan saya pun tidak mood pergi sendirian atau nge-bbm siapa pun supaya bisa pergi sama saya--blah!) nonton televisi sampai hampir bego (karena saya nonton starworld bukan NatGeo), membaca dua buku, mengalami migrain dahsyat, menulis di blog, minum beberapa gelas kopi dan sebotol diet coke, beberapa bungkus rokok, dan sebagainya.<br /><br />rasanya saya tau seharusnya saya bermain bersama teman-teman. teman yang mana?<br />well yeah, i do have a lot, oh yeah no only couple of them, tapi sayya merasa semakin kesini saya semakin membatasi diri saya dan permmainan saya. bukannya ingin melewati waktu-waktu sendiri merasa diri ekslusif karena saya memberi makan diri saya sendiri hal yang bagus, tapi lebih kepada hilangnya hasrat untuk berupaya mendekatkan diri pada orang lain.<br /><br />you know, sometimes i dont need certain people and their shits.<br /><br />sometimes the only one we know is ourselves. we just dont know how to get compromised with these people who try to telling us what to do.<br /><br />it feels like being in a very fragile boat. we know where the pier is, but we do realize that there re so many ways to get there. it depends on us, which one we pick? which one is the most suitable for us.<br /><br />when i come to that point, it really terrifies me. I've picking so many ways, i dont know which one is suit me, which one is comfortable for me, which one is actually that i want. i know nothing, but i know that i'm following my feelings.<br /><br />i don't want to stop thinking, you know. but i do let myself drawn in silent with mouth opens and an empty brain, blur and no vision. i like it that way, too.<br /><br />the other day i found myself very anxious about my future and start to get panic about my college, about all the materials and these exams i gotta face.<br /><br />i just dont know, am about to be 20. i gotta be someone bold, i gotta be special on my own way, i gotta start to feed myself more books-good music-equal friends, i can not (or may not) let my self to become super cheesy and stuff that mainstream does. i just dont like it. i gotta declare my self of who i am, what i'm going to do in the next couple years after i finish college, what job should i take. more importantly what does people think and do when they're 20. for christ's sake, it might be just a number, age. but to me it's more than just that. it's about the ideology that would change, it's about the way i perceive things when i get older. <br /><br />no one is actually telling me what to do. those who have been in the situation like this years before me. let me guess, the answer maybe, do whatever you like.<br /><br />thank you.<br /><br />am officially in a crisis. in a life. with crisis.What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-87483940227170116382011-06-25T10:21:00.000-07:002011-06-26T00:52:18.022-07:00Fantasi, kamu bikin saya krazi.Saya menginginkan kamu bagaikan anjing menginginkan daging segar. Saya menatap matamu bagaiakan serigala melihat bulan. Yang ada dikepala saya kamu datang menhampiri saya, tidur disebelah saya. Awalnya kita sibuk nonton film bersama, awalnya kita hanya bercanda dan bercengkrama. Saya merasakan tangan kamu memegang tangan saya. Saya tersenyum simpul, tanda mengiyakan dan memperbolehkan serta menginginkan kamu melanjutkan. Jemari mu bermain, menyusuri setiap helai bulu halus nan lembut ditangan saya. Saya tetap tersenyum. Kamu mendekat, saya menoleh. Kamu dan saya saling menatap.<br /><br />Bak serigala yang kelaparan, kamu dan saya saling melahap. Belajar bagaimana rasanya saling bertukar ludah. Daya upaya bergerak sesuai alunan dan hasrat yang menjadi pedoman.<br /><br />Dikepala saya.<br /><br />Dihadapan saya, kamu diam dingin menonton televisi sambil minum kopi. Kamu nyalakan rokok, sambil berkata "Ngapain sih ngeliatin saya sampai segitunya?".<br /><br />Saya ke kamar mandi mencuci muka. Hampir saja saya harus mandi wajib.<br /><br />Fantasi, kamu bikin saya krazi.What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-10580810629091423332011-06-24T11:12:00.000-07:002011-06-24T11:24:51.081-07:00CeritanyaCeritanya kamu adalah seorang laki-laki. Saya perempuan.<br /><br />Ceritanya saya sudah punya monyet. Kamu memilih untuk tidak memelihara apapun.<br /><br />Ceritanya kita sering sekali bertemu. Untuk berbagai alasan yang kadang-kadang masuk akal tapi kadang-kadang hanya dibuat-buat.<br /><br />Ceritanya kamu tidak sadar kalo ajakan keluar saya hanya dibuat-buat. Saya pun tidak akan bilang yang sebenarnya. Begitu juga sebaliknya.<br /><br />Ceritanya suatu saat saya bilang kalau saya suka kamu.<br /><br />Ceritanya kamu kaget. Tapi saya tau kamu sudah tau. Kamu dan saya sama-sama tau.<br /><br />Ceritanya cerita ini menggantung. Saya bingung. Kamu pasti lebih bingung.<br /><br />Ceritanya saya mulai bisa memendam rasa. Soalnya saya pintar acting. Calon artis masa depan.<br /><br />Tapi,<br /><br />Ceritanya saya tetap masih suka kamu. Saya masih. Suka. Kamu.What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-79447305404580493072011-06-24T11:09:00.000-07:002011-06-24T11:10:04.878-07:00//randomthoughts<span style="font-weight:bold;">It is because we want it so bad, that’s why we don’t have it. Simply created to be only our imagination and fantasy. Wild and crazy.</span>What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-9249118985578178712011-06-24T11:07:00.002-07:002011-06-24T11:08:19.385-07:00ContradictionsThis evening i spent another trashy times with my mate again until we drawn into the disscussion of philosophy and those implications of personalities.<br /><br />i found out that there are so many contradictions going on in my life and my head. We just can’t deny that what we read in books and what’s going on in our life were basically different. We can name scientists or philosophers or scholars to define our feelings based on theories—Plato maybe would say the so called ideal. But we mostly define those feelings by our thoughts. How we create explanations based on our own knowledge and experiences.<br /><br />Let’s take an example to make it easier. I know that conflicts which going on in my life were mostly driven by my own thoughts. The way i’m coping my problems and those assumptions i made were based on, yeah let’s say, experiences and things or people that i used to be with. But I also know and have read books which said that thoughts are the one who complicate the problems, whether it is your own thoughts or others. I should be clear of any influences in order to see the problem as actual fact that i have to face and solve, as what J. Khrisnamurti explained in his book, “Freedom from the Known”.<br /><br />In this stage, after read the book, it is clear for me that i already have the way out for my conflicts: i have to reduce the apriori and thoughts if i want to solve the core problem. But then , what becomes the result is my head even gets dizzier everytime i have to clear my mind from any thoughts. It leads me to another thought of “i have to be clear from any influence” or “i have to deflate my mind”.<br /><br />See? How contradictive it is and how silly i am.<br /><br />So yeah, then we conclude our meeting that evening with saying good bye to each other. Good bye and good night and good luck with our problems!What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-20755492678321678642011-06-24T11:07:00.001-07:002011-06-24T11:07:35.682-07:00Me. Pathetic.When you get so many things wrong in your life, dont you wanna just die?<br /><br />No, not that die am talking about, but you know, kinda off from this world for a while. No, i guess that’s also a bit too much. Kinda breathe with empty heart empty head empty feeling for a while. Yeah, i know those are hard, if you read my previous writting about Contradictions. Jiddu doesn’t exactly tell us what to do, i guess he’s not a spoon-feed person.<br /><br />Actually it is just the matter of i have so many doubted feelings about things about people about life. Do you know what they so-called life crisis? Ever heard? No, i guess that’s just not suit me. Because i watched a movie and i quoted “When you thinking about buying Porsche, you are in the early life crisis”. Maybe something more like unstable teenager? or teenage crisis? or identity crisis? or blah yeah you name it. So ashame, but tell me, you also have ever been in the same phase like me, haven’t you?<br /><br />Back again, i know this is also the matter of thought. Lately, i let my thoughts drive me. I let those hatred, anger, fear, betrayal, happiness, etc drive me. Lead me to such random combination of headache-stomachache-heartache.<br /><br />Lord, what did i write?! Sorry, this is awful and pathetic. Poor me.<br /><br />I guess i just don’t need him to be around sometimes. Obsolete things make me sick. Fresh air and fresh people would be even nicer.What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-69743784539977521352011-06-24T11:06:00.001-07:002011-06-24T11:06:52.678-07:00<span style="font-weight:bold;">“At the end of the day, you’re just in any relationship. How does anybody go to work every day and come home? You just do it and it either works or it doesn’t.”</span><br /><br />- Blake LivelyWhat So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-90273633894393170992011-06-24T11:05:00.000-07:002011-06-24T11:06:01.766-07:00From Friends I Learned.Jadi saya punya teman, namanya Dimas Muhamad. Dia pintar (baca: google berjalan) dan sangat humble dan tidak terlalu menyenangkan. Tapi ternyata saya rasa dia menyenangkan, atau kadang-kadang menyenangkan.<br /><br />Sebenernya awalnya ceritanya simpel. Saya bilang sama Dimas, “sometimes, i feel like I’m an outsider in my own campus”.<br /><br />Kemudian obrolan malah makin pajang. Kenapa juga jadi panjang saya lupa. Intinya, hari itu Dimas menjawab pertanyaan saya, kira-kira seperti ini, “In some circumtances, someone could be an outsider or insider (haha apeu banget sih insider—cant find the match word) it depends on which people they meet”.<br /><br />Kemudian Dimas numpang sholat di kosan saya dan kami cerita-cerita lagi.<br /><br />Saya memilih beriman, gak perduli dengan agama. Saya menjalani sholat dll karena saya ingin bertemu tuhan, somehow i need God, just to make sure i still have someone to talk to, just to make sure some other important things hehe. Tapi disisi lain, saya juga bukan fundamentalist atau hardcore dalam agama, saya masih percaya dengan berbuat baik kepada orang lain itu artinya beragama. Memang sih dalam poin ini Dimas sedikit berargumen, bahwa agama tidak se-simpel ngasih tetangga makan siang (misalnya). Tapi yah kemudian tanggapan Dimas, kira-kira seperti ini, “As long as it is good i’m with you, Ayu”.<br /><br />Dimas kemudian sholat lagi, sholat maghrib. Selesai itu, dia mau pulang, sambil pakai sepatu kami ngobrol lagi.<br /><br />Saya bertanya, “Dimas, why are you so humble? I mean, you are effing smart. But you always say that you know nothing.” Ini beneran loh, Dimas selalu praises atau turn people down right in front of their faces dengan kata-kata yang sangat humble sih emang. Dimas jawab, kira-kira begini, “The more i learn, i surf through the internet, i read, the more i know that i knew nothing. There are so many things that i don’t know.” See, how (still) humble he is.<br /><br />Jadi, hari itu kami berpisah. Dia bawa 5 dvd punya pacar saya: Thirteen Days, Paradise Now, W., Philadelphia, dan The Simpsons.<br /><br />Selamat nonton dvd Dimas, senang berbincang-bincang dengan anda.<br /><br />Oh, and dimas why don’t you have facebook, once again? You’ve told me the reason, but i forgot. I’m going to ask again when i meet him.What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-37991329723664086932011-06-24T11:00:00.000-07:002011-06-24T11:03:17.791-07:00Pertanyaan, Agama, dan Marah. Rasanya.Salah seorang anggota keluarga bukan inti mengajak chat di facebook, ia menanyakan agama saya dan memastikan agar saya tidak murtad.<br /><br />Ketika agama adalah urusan saya dan Tuhan, kemudian ada yang bertanya dan memastikan agar saya tidak murtad, rasanya ingin marah.<br /><br />Lalu saya langsung close window chat.What So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3146718042206687444.post-60807765052733978802011-06-24T10:59:00.001-07:002011-06-24T10:59:27.596-07:00<span style="font-weight:bold;">“People who perform some useful task are not bothered if they hear some critics to their work, but people who do no useful work at all always think themselves very important and hide their incompetence behind their authority.”</span><br /><br />- Paulo Coelho - 10 SEC READ: True ImportanceWhat So-Calledhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16078922021985556601noreply@blogger.com0