krisis menjelang umur 20

if there's anything named life crisis, which i don't even know what that is, but i'm kinda guessing that it's a crisis when you're at the time of living your life.

mungkin penjelasan saya sangat tidak intelek. mungkin sebenarnya life crisis hanyalah kata-kata yang saya buat sembarangan.

okay, now let's get going. ini adalah hari ke-2 saya didalam kamar, memutuskan tidak kemana-mana (atau secara kebetulan tidak ada yang mengajak saya pergi dan saya pun tidak mood pergi sendirian atau nge-bbm siapa pun supaya bisa pergi sama saya--blah!) nonton televisi sampai hampir bego (karena saya nonton starworld bukan NatGeo), membaca dua buku, mengalami migrain dahsyat, menulis di blog, minum beberapa gelas kopi dan sebotol diet coke, beberapa bungkus rokok, dan sebagainya.

rasanya saya tau seharusnya saya bermain bersama teman-teman. teman yang mana?
well yeah, i do have a lot, oh yeah no only couple of them, tapi sayya merasa semakin kesini saya semakin membatasi diri saya dan permmainan saya. bukannya ingin melewati waktu-waktu sendiri merasa diri ekslusif karena saya memberi makan diri saya sendiri hal yang bagus, tapi lebih kepada hilangnya hasrat untuk berupaya mendekatkan diri pada orang lain.

you know, sometimes i dont need certain people and their shits.

sometimes the only one we know is ourselves. we just dont know how to get compromised with these people who try to telling us what to do.

it feels like being in a very fragile boat. we know where the pier is, but we do realize that there re so many ways to get there. it depends on us, which one we pick? which one is the most suitable for us.

when i come to that point, it really terrifies me. I've picking so many ways, i dont know which one is suit me, which one is comfortable for me, which one is actually that i want. i know nothing, but i know that i'm following my feelings.

i don't want to stop thinking, you know. but i do let myself drawn in silent with mouth opens and an empty brain, blur and no vision. i like it that way, too.

the other day i found myself very anxious about my future and start to get panic about my college, about all the materials and these exams i gotta face.

i just dont know, am about to be 20. i gotta be someone bold, i gotta be special on my own way, i gotta start to feed myself more books-good music-equal friends, i can not (or may not) let my self to become super cheesy and stuff that mainstream does. i just dont like it. i gotta declare my self of who i am, what i'm going to do in the next couple years after i finish college, what job should i take. more importantly what does people think and do when they're 20. for christ's sake, it might be just a number, age. but to me it's more than just that. it's about the ideology that would change, it's about the way i perceive things when i get older.

no one is actually telling me what to do. those who have been in the situation like this years before me. let me guess, the answer maybe, do whatever you like.

thank you.

am officially in a crisis. in a life. with crisis.