i stop.

i have stop questioning

because i believe in what i feel.

i have no question, only faith.

you are such an addiction

to look into your eyes, to see deep into your soul

to say the unspoken, to feel these feelings deep inside

by the time, i realize i fall so hard.

you are such an addiction.

mmm

she's that great.
she's your equal.


mmm.
pathetic yet so competitive part. xxx

Anjing berlalu, Kafilah menggonggong

Katanya manusia adalah makhluk Tuhan yang sempurna, dengan akal dan budi yang diberikan. Secara kebetulan, entah mengapa dan bagaimana, manusia juga selalu melihat segala sesuatu dengan kesempurnaan. Kesempurnaan dijadikan patokan. Berbicara bagaikan segala hal harus sesuai dengan pandangan. Bagaikan pandangan adalah kebenaran yang sempurna dan mutlak serta absolut.
Padahal isi kepala orang pasti berbeda-beda, definisi dan kriteria akan kesempurnaan kemudian pasti berbeda-beda.
Mata melihat, kemudian mulut berbicara seenak dan sesuka hati. Bagaikan mulut yang paling tahu segalanya. Padahal belum tentu mata memproyeksikan semuanya dengan benar.
Dikepala mulai melebur dengan pikiran-pikiran lain, pengalaman-pengalaman, hujatan-hujatan. Padahal belum tentu kepala kita benar.

Ibaratkan saja ini adalah anjing. Binatang berkaki empat, dua mata, satu hidung dengan dua lubangnya, dua kuping, dan satu mulut yang didalamnya terjejer gigi bertaring.
Mata si anjing melihat suatu objek, juga mendengar apabila terdapat pantulan audio, dengan hidungnya ia mengendus-endus mencoba mencari petunjuk. Tidak lama setelah mengenali objeknya, si anjing pun membuka mulutnya, menggonggong dan mengeluarkan taringnya.
Padahal objek yang dilihat oleh si anjing mungkin tidak ia kenal, mungkin suara yang ia dengar bukan datang dari objek tersebut, mungkin hidung si anjing mengendus bau dari kulit objek, bukan intinya. Tapi toh, si anjing tetap mengeluarkan taringnya. Si anjing tetap menggonggong.

Tapi anjing tidak sempurna.
Wajar kalau menggongong.
Tapi manusia sempurna.
Dan manusia juga menggonggong.
Lalu,
apakah sang kafilah saat ini ada diposisi yang sama dengan si anjing?
Tapi ternyata manusia juga tidak sepenuhnya sempurna.
Karena kesempurnaan hanya milik Tuhan semata.
Lalu,
apakah sang kafilah bertukar posisi dengan si anjing?

Ketidaksempurnaan berjalan, Kesempurnaan dalam pandangan.
Anjing berlalu, Kafilah menggonggong.

Kasian Kafilah. Lain kali, sesekali, mungkin menjadi anjing tak apa.

Asu!

For Granted

These days are gone. Loud enough to hold on.
I think about the time we wasted. I think about the years to come.
It's getting late and I can't call. It's getting late to face it all.
I think about the time we wasted.

My loneliness has slowly grown.
I told you not to cross the line, and leave me with your love for granted.
The letters from your broken heart I think I might have lost them somewhere.

Don't tell me 'bout your lies.
Don't tell me 'bout your secrets.

My love is easy. You are everything I need.
Now your love is gone. I want it safe and guaranteed.
Life is such a fine line. Looking at the bright line.
I think about the time we wasted. For someday I'll be coming too.
Tonight is dying on it's own, and now I got your love for granted.
It doesn't matter right or wrong as long as you are hiding somewhere.

Don't tell me 'bout your lies
Don't tell me 'bout your secrets

Even though we've said it all. I would never let us fall.
With you, hang on to a little chance, you bet I'm in.
If it is for better, disillusions come after.
It's true.
Hang on to a little chance.
You bet I'm in.

Phoenix - Love For Granted

Happy Birthday Dearest Ega

Hello you there,

today is your day
i seriously have nothing to give, no present, only presence.

21 may be just a number.
this is just another page of life, where every page has its own title and subtitle, consist of subjects and objects, where lessons can be learned in every words and sentences.

it feels so good to spend some times with you, and especially to spend tonight with the 21-aged-you; with your maturity, your thoughts, and your visions.

you are my sudden friend, a very exciting one.


may you have a great day, unforgettable one.
may this Universe shows you the way and signs through your explorations.
may in every seconds and every minutes of your life filled by priceless experiences.
may happiness comes toward you this year and many years ahead.
may your heart always in a state of complete peace with your head.

may Virgin Mary hear my prayer.

Love,

Ruth Ayu

Sixteen

i suppose to care where will this relationship taking us.
i suppose to think about our future.
it has been going on for three years and two months.

but should we know?
isn't it a part of God's plan?

at the first time i met you, one thing came up in my mind was "i don't know".
if we learn at school, our teacher taught us that from what we don't know we should find an answer. but i can't find any answer through out these three years.

i love you more than i wanted to.

i thought a year would be an end, far more what i expected, i did swim too far, hon.

i lost my self in you.

life changes us, and those changes life made for me within three years with you are total. i barely can't remember to name a few, but those are great and bad.

i don't care whether am a virgin or not, i don't care whether i'm the first you had sex with or there was someone else.

it's a life we live, we should just live.
it's a love we feel, so we should just love.
no questions and worries.
we're not angels, are we?

i love you since i was 16, love.
Happy 16. Many years to come.
Many ways to get lost in you.

krisis menjelang umur 20

if there's anything named life crisis, which i don't even know what that is, but i'm kinda guessing that it's a crisis when you're at the time of living your life.

mungkin penjelasan saya sangat tidak intelek. mungkin sebenarnya life crisis hanyalah kata-kata yang saya buat sembarangan.

okay, now let's get going. ini adalah hari ke-2 saya didalam kamar, memutuskan tidak kemana-mana (atau secara kebetulan tidak ada yang mengajak saya pergi dan saya pun tidak mood pergi sendirian atau nge-bbm siapa pun supaya bisa pergi sama saya--blah!) nonton televisi sampai hampir bego (karena saya nonton starworld bukan NatGeo), membaca dua buku, mengalami migrain dahsyat, menulis di blog, minum beberapa gelas kopi dan sebotol diet coke, beberapa bungkus rokok, dan sebagainya.

rasanya saya tau seharusnya saya bermain bersama teman-teman. teman yang mana?
well yeah, i do have a lot, oh yeah no only couple of them, tapi sayya merasa semakin kesini saya semakin membatasi diri saya dan permmainan saya. bukannya ingin melewati waktu-waktu sendiri merasa diri ekslusif karena saya memberi makan diri saya sendiri hal yang bagus, tapi lebih kepada hilangnya hasrat untuk berupaya mendekatkan diri pada orang lain.

you know, sometimes i dont need certain people and their shits.

sometimes the only one we know is ourselves. we just dont know how to get compromised with these people who try to telling us what to do.

it feels like being in a very fragile boat. we know where the pier is, but we do realize that there re so many ways to get there. it depends on us, which one we pick? which one is the most suitable for us.

when i come to that point, it really terrifies me. I've picking so many ways, i dont know which one is suit me, which one is comfortable for me, which one is actually that i want. i know nothing, but i know that i'm following my feelings.

i don't want to stop thinking, you know. but i do let myself drawn in silent with mouth opens and an empty brain, blur and no vision. i like it that way, too.

the other day i found myself very anxious about my future and start to get panic about my college, about all the materials and these exams i gotta face.

i just dont know, am about to be 20. i gotta be someone bold, i gotta be special on my own way, i gotta start to feed myself more books-good music-equal friends, i can not (or may not) let my self to become super cheesy and stuff that mainstream does. i just dont like it. i gotta declare my self of who i am, what i'm going to do in the next couple years after i finish college, what job should i take. more importantly what does people think and do when they're 20. for christ's sake, it might be just a number, age. but to me it's more than just that. it's about the ideology that would change, it's about the way i perceive things when i get older.

no one is actually telling me what to do. those who have been in the situation like this years before me. let me guess, the answer maybe, do whatever you like.

thank you.

am officially in a crisis. in a life. with crisis.

Fantasi, kamu bikin saya krazi.

Saya menginginkan kamu bagaikan anjing menginginkan daging segar. Saya menatap matamu bagaiakan serigala melihat bulan. Yang ada dikepala saya kamu datang menhampiri saya, tidur disebelah saya. Awalnya kita sibuk nonton film bersama, awalnya kita hanya bercanda dan bercengkrama. Saya merasakan tangan kamu memegang tangan saya. Saya tersenyum simpul, tanda mengiyakan dan memperbolehkan serta menginginkan kamu melanjutkan. Jemari mu bermain, menyusuri setiap helai bulu halus nan lembut ditangan saya. Saya tetap tersenyum. Kamu mendekat, saya menoleh. Kamu dan saya saling menatap.

Bak serigala yang kelaparan, kamu dan saya saling melahap. Belajar bagaimana rasanya saling bertukar ludah. Daya upaya bergerak sesuai alunan dan hasrat yang menjadi pedoman.

Dikepala saya.

Dihadapan saya, kamu diam dingin menonton televisi sambil minum kopi. Kamu nyalakan rokok, sambil berkata "Ngapain sih ngeliatin saya sampai segitunya?".

Saya ke kamar mandi mencuci muka. Hampir saja saya harus mandi wajib.

Fantasi, kamu bikin saya krazi.

Ceritanya

Ceritanya kamu adalah seorang laki-laki. Saya perempuan.

Ceritanya saya sudah punya monyet. Kamu memilih untuk tidak memelihara apapun.

Ceritanya kita sering sekali bertemu. Untuk berbagai alasan yang kadang-kadang masuk akal tapi kadang-kadang hanya dibuat-buat.

Ceritanya kamu tidak sadar kalo ajakan keluar saya hanya dibuat-buat. Saya pun tidak akan bilang yang sebenarnya. Begitu juga sebaliknya.

Ceritanya suatu saat saya bilang kalau saya suka kamu.

Ceritanya kamu kaget. Tapi saya tau kamu sudah tau. Kamu dan saya sama-sama tau.

Ceritanya cerita ini menggantung. Saya bingung. Kamu pasti lebih bingung.

Ceritanya saya mulai bisa memendam rasa. Soalnya saya pintar acting. Calon artis masa depan.

Tapi,

Ceritanya saya tetap masih suka kamu. Saya masih. Suka. Kamu.

//randomthoughts

It is because we want it so bad, that’s why we don’t have it. Simply created to be only our imagination and fantasy. Wild and crazy.

Contradictions

This evening i spent another trashy times with my mate again until we drawn into the disscussion of philosophy and those implications of personalities.

i found out that there are so many contradictions going on in my life and my head. We just can’t deny that what we read in books and what’s going on in our life were basically different. We can name scientists or philosophers or scholars to define our feelings based on theories—Plato maybe would say the so called ideal. But we mostly define those feelings by our thoughts. How we create explanations based on our own knowledge and experiences.

Let’s take an example to make it easier. I know that conflicts which going on in my life were mostly driven by my own thoughts. The way i’m coping my problems and those assumptions i made were based on, yeah let’s say, experiences and things or people that i used to be with. But I also know and have read books which said that thoughts are the one who complicate the problems, whether it is your own thoughts or others. I should be clear of any influences in order to see the problem as actual fact that i have to face and solve, as what J. Khrisnamurti explained in his book, “Freedom from the Known”.

In this stage, after read the book, it is clear for me that i already have the way out for my conflicts: i have to reduce the apriori and thoughts if i want to solve the core problem. But then , what becomes the result is my head even gets dizzier everytime i have to clear my mind from any thoughts. It leads me to another thought of “i have to be clear from any influence” or “i have to deflate my mind”.

See? How contradictive it is and how silly i am.

So yeah, then we conclude our meeting that evening with saying good bye to each other. Good bye and good night and good luck with our problems!

Me. Pathetic.

When you get so many things wrong in your life, dont you wanna just die?

No, not that die am talking about, but you know, kinda off from this world for a while. No, i guess that’s also a bit too much. Kinda breathe with empty heart empty head empty feeling for a while. Yeah, i know those are hard, if you read my previous writting about Contradictions. Jiddu doesn’t exactly tell us what to do, i guess he’s not a spoon-feed person.

Actually it is just the matter of i have so many doubted feelings about things about people about life. Do you know what they so-called life crisis? Ever heard? No, i guess that’s just not suit me. Because i watched a movie and i quoted “When you thinking about buying Porsche, you are in the early life crisis”. Maybe something more like unstable teenager? or teenage crisis? or identity crisis? or blah yeah you name it. So ashame, but tell me, you also have ever been in the same phase like me, haven’t you?

Back again, i know this is also the matter of thought. Lately, i let my thoughts drive me. I let those hatred, anger, fear, betrayal, happiness, etc drive me. Lead me to such random combination of headache-stomachache-heartache.

Lord, what did i write?! Sorry, this is awful and pathetic. Poor me.

I guess i just don’t need him to be around sometimes. Obsolete things make me sick. Fresh air and fresh people would be even nicer.

“At the end of the day, you’re just in any relationship. How does anybody go to work every day and come home? You just do it and it either works or it doesn’t.”

- Blake Lively

From Friends I Learned.

Jadi saya punya teman, namanya Dimas Muhamad. Dia pintar (baca: google berjalan) dan sangat humble dan tidak terlalu menyenangkan. Tapi ternyata saya rasa dia menyenangkan, atau kadang-kadang menyenangkan.

Sebenernya awalnya ceritanya simpel. Saya bilang sama Dimas, “sometimes, i feel like I’m an outsider in my own campus”.

Kemudian obrolan malah makin pajang. Kenapa juga jadi panjang saya lupa. Intinya, hari itu Dimas menjawab pertanyaan saya, kira-kira seperti ini, “In some circumtances, someone could be an outsider or insider (haha apeu banget sih insider—cant find the match word) it depends on which people they meet”.

Kemudian Dimas numpang sholat di kosan saya dan kami cerita-cerita lagi.

Saya memilih beriman, gak perduli dengan agama. Saya menjalani sholat dll karena saya ingin bertemu tuhan, somehow i need God, just to make sure i still have someone to talk to, just to make sure some other important things hehe. Tapi disisi lain, saya juga bukan fundamentalist atau hardcore dalam agama, saya masih percaya dengan berbuat baik kepada orang lain itu artinya beragama. Memang sih dalam poin ini Dimas sedikit berargumen, bahwa agama tidak se-simpel ngasih tetangga makan siang (misalnya). Tapi yah kemudian tanggapan Dimas, kira-kira seperti ini, “As long as it is good i’m with you, Ayu”.

Dimas kemudian sholat lagi, sholat maghrib. Selesai itu, dia mau pulang, sambil pakai sepatu kami ngobrol lagi.

Saya bertanya, “Dimas, why are you so humble? I mean, you are effing smart. But you always say that you know nothing.” Ini beneran loh, Dimas selalu praises atau turn people down right in front of their faces dengan kata-kata yang sangat humble sih emang. Dimas jawab, kira-kira begini, “The more i learn, i surf through the internet, i read, the more i know that i knew nothing. There are so many things that i don’t know.” See, how (still) humble he is.

Jadi, hari itu kami berpisah. Dia bawa 5 dvd punya pacar saya: Thirteen Days, Paradise Now, W., Philadelphia, dan The Simpsons.

Selamat nonton dvd Dimas, senang berbincang-bincang dengan anda.

Oh, and dimas why don’t you have facebook, once again? You’ve told me the reason, but i forgot. I’m going to ask again when i meet him.

Pertanyaan, Agama, dan Marah. Rasanya.

Salah seorang anggota keluarga bukan inti mengajak chat di facebook, ia menanyakan agama saya dan memastikan agar saya tidak murtad.

Ketika agama adalah urusan saya dan Tuhan, kemudian ada yang bertanya dan memastikan agar saya tidak murtad, rasanya ingin marah.

Lalu saya langsung close window chat.

“People who perform some useful task are not bothered if they hear some critics to their work, but people who do no useful work at all always think themselves very important and hide their incompetence behind their authority.”

- Paulo Coelho - 10 SEC READ: True Importance

“Enjoy your memories. But don’t forget that memory is like salt: the right amount brings out the flavour in food, too much ruins it. If you live in the past all the time, you’ll find yourself with no present to remember.”

- Paulo Coelho - 20 SEC READ: Memories and Salt

“The religion of the future, will be a cosmic religion. It will transcend God and avoid dogma and theology.”

- Albert Einstein (taken from The Lost Symbol—Chapter 82, by Dan Brown)

The Pilgrimage of my own saturday night

so this is the so called saturday night

with no lover

no mood of going out

first day of period

hell of stomach ache

the feeling of ‘everything was wrong with no reason’

no music, all in silence

accompanied with a cup of hot black coffee

end up reading The Pilgrimage.

ps: all those words that Paulo Coelho stated on his book are just somehow true.

“Time isn’t something that always proceeds at the same pace. It is we who determine how quickly time passes.”

and it has been 6 hours since i got home, touched down my bed, and held the book.