for a week or so i've been through such a sequel of stories. to be honest, i didn't really realize that the impact will be this big to me, myself. i used to be okay because i always believe that i might had been through some worse than only these. but it seems like undeniable that it caused me pain, under confidence, less trust, skeptic sights, pessimistic thoughts. i've ever through some situation before but it doesn't mean that i can successfully handle these ones again, this time. Experiences taught you to be used to the situation, the same feeling, the same clouds over head. but i guess, experiences didn't taught the same pattern of solution, different issue needs different way out. Experiences made me knew the sense when it is about to come and if finally come again. but when it comes, you will have the same surprise and heart ache again. didn't i learn from the previous events? i guess i learnt, but it always come that way, with surprises and heart ache, so hard to be handled. the world had crumble in front of my eyes once, and here it is, i have it again. i just know that it can crumbles so many times. my soul had dead sometime ago, but here it is, i have it dead again. i only have faith, the only thing i believe i should maintain good no matter what. people come and go, moods can be good and bad, but i have faith to certain people that i still can be a Hercules, i still have a good shaped heart for them to either take care or to slice it into pieces. and even if they did so, it still, a finest shaped one. for them. because i have faith on them. well, stormy days came and pass by, changed with another happy times and might come back again, yet to come. ps: i need to recover my soul. i might be just lost.

Note to my self #1

Key, Later on could you please position yourself as the dumbest person ever alive? Could you please silent and listen? Because this world will give you tons of things you have never imagine before. In the mean time, be good. You might have done well.

Curiousity asks

I am curious to know, what will I be in let's say 40 years from now? Would I be this kind of person who thinks herself know the world most rather than others while realize deeply that through out 20years living as human all I know is my own cave? Or would I be more aggressive like a wild dog released from its realistic puppy house? So wild that I cannot handle myself saying that I've seen the world as I might be travel to some distance places? So wild as I can say I've known the world for its best and worst for its sweet and bitter? For me this world and its contains have its own mistery yet not so magical like what Aladdin had. I do believe that mistery might reveal the misery. Although somehow I do believe that miserable doesn't always mean forever and happiness might only come for a second of all. Through all of that, will I learn that maybe all of this is a joke God's created throughout His reses on the 7th day of creation? Will I learn that I barely know anything, confessing I know nothing but my pathetic self? Or will I learn that magic carpet ride has its own manifestation and transformation that later bring me to some distance places I have always imagine I will go someday? Will I learn that maybe world is a nice place to see but a cruel one to live in? And it keeps one biggest question of all, will I laugh at the world as hard as I will laugh to myself?

Try Life!

It's good to try activity that I've had forgotten. For ages. Life's eaten me with stuffs un-daily thus I forgot to live like a normal homo sapiens. Heartaches didn't teach me how to drive a car, I guess they forgot to teach me to simply swim. Maybe life's busy dealing with its own drama thus it forgot the beauty of just living. A normal, like everybody does. Ps: typical of me, the person who will definitely blame others rather than me myself. Good luck, life's never been easy, as I failed in doing sports. How does jogging feel like?

E

to have you just near me. do your things and i do mine. like what i've been dreaming since ages. doing this with my lover, contemplation of heart and mind in different time and place while we're actually together. having you just near. here. let alone the fear cause i will be just here. you give me all i ever wanted for real.

ACQUIESCENCE

20 minutes before you say those words:
talked to my self while looking at your eyes,

i love you. i am happy with you. i love you, i am happy with you.
don't ever leave me. i don't know what should i do if you leave me.
please, don't.

15 minutes before you say those words:
(you take a deep sigh)

hmm okay, your deep sigh indicates that you're not happy with me.
but still please, i still wanna be with you.
on this time being, please just lie to me and tell me that you love me. even if it is only a lie, i don't mind.


12 minutes before you say those words:
(another sigh and empty gaze of yours)

in the name of Father, son, and holy spirit, amen.
Father in heaven, i may be full of doubt, i may not have sincere feeling that you wish i cultivated since that time. Yes, i did see it coming, Father, but i pretended to be blind, i close my eyes and my mind, and i've been wishing that all of this will just go away in any time soon. But i knew, this won't pass, i can not pass, i'm in, and this is the consequences that i have to face.
(Deep, very deep, sigh--clearing my mind)
Father, i am now acquiesce. if she's not happy, then let her be happy without me. i am letting her go. let me be the only one who feel the pain, don't make me a torturer.
Holy mother of God, if i ever wished you to make her happy as the way she makes me feel so, this might be your answer. If she's not happy with this, i let her go, sincerely.
(and i cry)

5 minutes before you say those words:
i stroke your hair, your cheek.
i hold your chest.
i wish my name is ever written there and will always be there, in your heart.

0 minute:
"I am not happy with this"

15 seconds after you say:
there it goes, baby.
the one that you've been withheld.
the one that you've been covered with smiles.

1 minute after you say:
Father, did i just say i acquiesce? why do i still feel this world is falling apart?

hon,
i love you. i do. with all my hearts. you shouldn't have a doubt.
but maybe it's too late, you might have lost your feelings long time ago.
i made mistakes, i am truly sorry.
forgive doesn't mean forget, i know.
like i told you before, i am walking on my karma, it's fine by me.
oh no, Father, i feel the sky is crumbling.
devastated. it's devastating.
hon,
you are the one that makes me let my ego, my feeling, my comfortness go with the wind.
i walked from my comfort zone, i faced it no matter how much it hurts to hear that you don't know whether you still love me or not, you are not happy with me.
i struggled for my ego to love you. i confront my ego to ever let you go.
i disguise my feelings, no matter how hard it hurts, i eat all of them, i turn the corner of anger, i let me myself feel the pains, because i don't want you to feel that way i did.

well, you have had given me all of yours. i might have been left you in vain that time, i might have hurt you worse. you might have devastated more.

so, it's time for me hon. it's okay, it's fine. (but still, i'll cry just to remember who's the one who will hug me in my roughest times?)

they say, if you love someone, fight for them. (i have fight, not enough i know, and i really want to fight more if you let me)
they say, if you love someone, set them free. ( i set you free now, so you can be happy. don't be with me if it's torturing you, please. i let you go)

i love you. i love you.
words can't tell, actions can deceive, but heart won't lie. (7:52 pm, Jan 26 2012)

Much More Than You Know

i am happy,
much more than you know.

i am in love,
much more than you know.

i love you,
much more than you know.

i am hurt,
much more than you know.

i am happy (once again),
much more than you know.

whatever! I am an omnivore

to describe omnivore, first, according to our holy wikipedia, is omni, meaning "all, everything"; vorare "to devour". in other words of my opinion, as an animal that eat all or everything, and to include human as an animal.

it's easy to tell that every time i'm at my lowest ebb, i do write on this blog. so here is the story...

i declare my self as an omnivore in accordance with the treaty i have made and ratified to my self.

i do not care what you will give me.
i do not care what i will eat.
a super fine dining one or an ordinary Chinese food.
i try to not easily get sad by only silly thing you don't do anymore, like you used to.
i try to accept everything.
i try to eat this shit.
i try to accept that this shit is eating me.
i try to be fine if you don't look me in the eyes like those moments i had.
i try to be cool when i saw you and you didn't even have a glance at me back.

they say i am now walking on a the so called karma.
the one that they believe i should accept as my punishment for bad and wrong doings i have ever done.

it is real hurt.
like i have never been hurt by anyone before.

but,
i am an omnivore, baby.
i eat everything.
i eat my happiness.
i eat, even, counterfeit happiness.
i eat my gloomy days.
i eat my sorrow.
i eat my grievances.
i eat everything.
i eat all.

whatever (that you give me, i will eat it), E.