ACQUIESCENCE

20 minutes before you say those words:
talked to my self while looking at your eyes,

i love you. i am happy with you. i love you, i am happy with you.
don't ever leave me. i don't know what should i do if you leave me.
please, don't.

15 minutes before you say those words:
(you take a deep sigh)

hmm okay, your deep sigh indicates that you're not happy with me.
but still please, i still wanna be with you.
on this time being, please just lie to me and tell me that you love me. even if it is only a lie, i don't mind.


12 minutes before you say those words:
(another sigh and empty gaze of yours)

in the name of Father, son, and holy spirit, amen.
Father in heaven, i may be full of doubt, i may not have sincere feeling that you wish i cultivated since that time. Yes, i did see it coming, Father, but i pretended to be blind, i close my eyes and my mind, and i've been wishing that all of this will just go away in any time soon. But i knew, this won't pass, i can not pass, i'm in, and this is the consequences that i have to face.
(Deep, very deep, sigh--clearing my mind)
Father, i am now acquiesce. if she's not happy, then let her be happy without me. i am letting her go. let me be the only one who feel the pain, don't make me a torturer.
Holy mother of God, if i ever wished you to make her happy as the way she makes me feel so, this might be your answer. If she's not happy with this, i let her go, sincerely.
(and i cry)

5 minutes before you say those words:
i stroke your hair, your cheek.
i hold your chest.
i wish my name is ever written there and will always be there, in your heart.

0 minute:
"I am not happy with this"

15 seconds after you say:
there it goes, baby.
the one that you've been withheld.
the one that you've been covered with smiles.

1 minute after you say:
Father, did i just say i acquiesce? why do i still feel this world is falling apart?

hon,
i love you. i do. with all my hearts. you shouldn't have a doubt.
but maybe it's too late, you might have lost your feelings long time ago.
i made mistakes, i am truly sorry.
forgive doesn't mean forget, i know.
like i told you before, i am walking on my karma, it's fine by me.
oh no, Father, i feel the sky is crumbling.
devastated. it's devastating.
hon,
you are the one that makes me let my ego, my feeling, my comfortness go with the wind.
i walked from my comfort zone, i faced it no matter how much it hurts to hear that you don't know whether you still love me or not, you are not happy with me.
i struggled for my ego to love you. i confront my ego to ever let you go.
i disguise my feelings, no matter how hard it hurts, i eat all of them, i turn the corner of anger, i let me myself feel the pains, because i don't want you to feel that way i did.

well, you have had given me all of yours. i might have been left you in vain that time, i might have hurt you worse. you might have devastated more.

so, it's time for me hon. it's okay, it's fine. (but still, i'll cry just to remember who's the one who will hug me in my roughest times?)

they say, if you love someone, fight for them. (i have fight, not enough i know, and i really want to fight more if you let me)
they say, if you love someone, set them free. ( i set you free now, so you can be happy. don't be with me if it's torturing you, please. i let you go)

i love you. i love you.
words can't tell, actions can deceive, but heart won't lie. (7:52 pm, Jan 26 2012)

Much More Than You Know

i am happy,
much more than you know.

i am in love,
much more than you know.

i love you,
much more than you know.

i am hurt,
much more than you know.

i am happy (once again),
much more than you know.

whatever! I am an omnivore

to describe omnivore, first, according to our holy wikipedia, is omni, meaning "all, everything"; vorare "to devour". in other words of my opinion, as an animal that eat all or everything, and to include human as an animal.

it's easy to tell that every time i'm at my lowest ebb, i do write on this blog. so here is the story...

i declare my self as an omnivore in accordance with the treaty i have made and ratified to my self.

i do not care what you will give me.
i do not care what i will eat.
a super fine dining one or an ordinary Chinese food.
i try to not easily get sad by only silly thing you don't do anymore, like you used to.
i try to accept everything.
i try to eat this shit.
i try to accept that this shit is eating me.
i try to be fine if you don't look me in the eyes like those moments i had.
i try to be cool when i saw you and you didn't even have a glance at me back.

they say i am now walking on a the so called karma.
the one that they believe i should accept as my punishment for bad and wrong doings i have ever done.

it is real hurt.
like i have never been hurt by anyone before.

but,
i am an omnivore, baby.
i eat everything.
i eat my happiness.
i eat, even, counterfeit happiness.
i eat my gloomy days.
i eat my sorrow.
i eat my grievances.
i eat everything.
i eat all.

whatever (that you give me, i will eat it), E.